Once more I am ponderous, after 2 days where I have swung from 1 feeling to another I am trying to regain the ground that I know that I am happy on once more. Finding that safe state where I know that I can recover, collect myself and move forward once more
Understanding yourself is one thing but actually knowing how to treat yourself in a manner that is best for you is quite another. Maybe I am an oddity, actually I don't doubt that I am an oddity but the way that I let my actions betray my heart leave me quite bewildered when I step back and view the wreckage within.
Putting people before myself is what I know, it is quite possibly noble but is it right? If we never give ourselves the respect and honesty that each individual deserves surely we are losing out and treating ourselves as second class citizens. I know without doubt I would never treat others like I treat myself at times, with these double standards I dish out in dollops convincing myself that I am happy to go along for the ride down a murky tunnel where my screams become inward and the echoes only reverberate around my head.
I have a nod and smile policy which for many a year has served me like a friend but the truth is that it is really a dark and dangerous foe. The best way of describing the way I can be is that it is the equivalent of ordering chicken and chips when what I really want is roast beef, how ridiculous does that sound? Staring back at the words that now confront me I shake my head and start to wonder when I became so foolhardy.
Fact is the fear of disappointing others restricts us all although it shouldn't, those near and dear would never want us to deny ourselves a happy place, a place where we are satisfying both our head and heart. The ultimate test of what you have is showing how you truly feel, denial will only eat you up and like 'bad back syndrome' no-one can see what happens inside without you expressing it in words and actions.
This has turned out to be a long monologue of self help, for that I apologise but maybe you can see elements that are common in both myself and you. We are, we feel, we have to be true. Today is a sunny day, a new day and a new opportunity to do right for myself.
Take care everyone.
Enjoy today, look forward to tomorrow.
Introspection is a fine thing, especially if it's tempered with a modicum of self-publicity, people tend to gain more of an insight into the machinations of peoples thought-processes. Of course, there is always the option of going down the pub and getting completely rat-arsed :-)
ReplyDeleteI have to say looking after others is a self satisfaction, looking out for yourself seems very selfish, but sometimes our hearts have to be broken, to go with our head else we end up in the place we have been hiding from forever. I hope you read what you have put and listen to what you put. A new day, a new nod and smile maybe or a new post!
ReplyDeleteWell, my long wait has ended. I was starting to anticipate this one in an eager kid-on-christmas-morning sorta way. :)
ReplyDeleteAll I have to say about this is that you are right. We all, hopefully, are guilty of putting ourselves second to someone. But ulitmately, as much as it sounds selfish, we have to ALWAYS put ourselves first.
Think about it, if you don't look after you first, you are not top notch when you help out the friends that need you and then, you are no good to you OR them.
An ear is always welcome.......a shoulder nice as well.....but a heart...well, that is needed all the time. If yours is not 100% then how can you give that to a friend?
Of course one thing is certain when it comes to you....your heart is so big. It is almost like you have a spare tank of it. But you have to make sure it is full of things that make you happy....the rest will just fall into place.